Why Shame Resilience is Important in Finances
It can be hard to admit to or proclaim the things we don’t know – we may feel embarrassed, less than, or at a disadvantage to our peers when we speak up and let those around us know we are experiencing confusion or uncertainty. This fear of vulnerability can steam from feeling shame and utilizing shame and insecurity can be a vital tool when we are in an abusive or coercive situation, including when we may be subject to financial abuse.
Building up shame resilience can lead to a healthy sense of self and allow you to see the warning signs of financial abuse and plan to step away from those abusive behaviors if necessary.
You can start with a few actionable and immediate measures:
Ask for help.
In the Office of Financial Literacy, we refer to asking for help as exercising a skill or muscle. Often, we learn that asking for help may put a burden on others and this can make us self-conscious in doing so, we must learn and utilize this skill regularly so as to not get rusty and stop reaching out. Lean into asking for assistance in small tasks and around your schoolwork, and keep track of how often and how often you are greeted with kindness and grace.
Give a sincere apology.
Saying sorry can feel shameful and humiliating because we must admit to being wrong. But accountability is important, both in others and ourselves. The better we are at providing sincere apologies that can be held to actionable change, the more equipped we are to fight off the immediate shame that follows. This increases self-awareness and helps identify when we might be OVER-apologizing, too.
Adjust for accuracy.
Changing your language to help reality check instead of allowing negative self-talk and internal criticism to push you toward shame is an actionable step you can take today and will improve your relationship with personal finances almost immediately. Not everyone will prioritize or value the same things you might, nor will their version of success, joy or livelihood look like your own and verbally recognizing this will help you quell the impulsive purchasing habits that might come with wanting material things others have or feeling left out or left behind because certain opportunities do not fit your financial scope right now. Although those moments can be frustrating and should be acknowledged as such, often it can feel less damaging and hurtful if you put into words why you might be feeling that way and if this is truly a priority for yourself.
Pass along your knowledge.
Sharing is caring and connecting. Connection fosters belonging and is the antithesis of shame. The more you learn and share with your peers and those around you, the more you are able to learn and grow into yourself. You can set goals without being influenced by other’s success but instead inspired by their knowledge and sense of know-how. The exchange of information allows you to better understand how other’s might see the world and their own personal finances and creates opportunities for shared vulnerability, which helps fight back and resist shame when we understand where one another is coming from.
By: Karina Anderson McNary
Oct. 2022